About Me

Sunday, June 6, 2010
Unless you are going through this, or have gone through this it is almost impossible for one to fully understand exactly how this turns your life completely upsidedown.  Things that used to be normal are no longer normal.  The idea of chilling out at night and catching up on a good TV show gone.  My day starts out early in the AM checking e-mail, blogs, facebook and anything else that could contain a message, or a bit of news that may help our case.  I have made countless friends who are in Uganda or just got back from Uganda that are able to feed bits of info. to me on a daily basis.  My night usually ends the same way...........Uganda is just waking up and I'm able to chat online with others who are there and can give me new info about visas, judges, our attorney etc.  The problem is, we are stuck.  There is nothing we can do.  Regardless, I continue this day in and day out struggle of trying to connect to people a world away in the hopes that they may be able to get us closer to bringing Joseph home.  One such friend is someone I've never met, but she too is adopting.  She has been stuck in Uganda for months.  I put it out to her that Joseph really needed to go to the Doctor.  Now, in America that is quite easy, but remember, this is Africa.  Sarah, my friend doesn't have a car and needed to arrange a driver. Then, I need to stay up late at night to make the phone call to the Doctor to set up the appt.  Then call Sarah, ask if that's going to work, then she calls the driver to verify.  So, the appts set up.  Then I need to call the headmaster at Joseph's school to get a pass.  Then I have to wire money to Sarah to pay for everything and hope that I send enough.  Well, that's over, but now there is need for follow up tests.  So, tonight I'm spending my down time trying to call the doctor on the other side of the world and see if he will talk to me about the results of last weeks tests.  He will probably not speak to me, but hoping he will.  Then, I'll make another appt. for Joseph to come back for more blood work and all the other phone calls start over until at last I feel confident that Joseph will actually make it to the appt.  We were able to talk to him today and he wasn't feeling well. 

So, what am I trying to say?? I have no idea.  I think I'm slowly losing my mind............I'm jumpy all the time, always in a hurry and completely feeling imbalanced and out of sync.  I don't sleep unless my best friend Ambien comes to bed with me...................What has all of this taught me?? Well I know that I'm on a roller coaster that I have no control over and that the only way I'm going to survive this is if I allow HIM to take the wheel.  I have been brought to my knees so many times during this journey.  I've cried so many tears while standing in the shower hoping no one will hear me.  I've said dumb things, offended people (I'm sure) because I'm acting flaky and non-committal.  I guess my hope is that I still have a few friends left when this is all through.  I'm used to taking care of people and being more interested in their well-being than mine.  Right now I've really started to hibernate in my own world and tried to just stay close with my family.  I am totally and completely rambling......................this experience has changed me.  I feel like I'm being molded and shaped.  I just hope this journey makes me stronger than I've ever been before:) Sorry for the ranting and raving.......................


Aly said...

All I can say is, I understand, and I'm sorry. I'm sorry it's so hard, but I know God has real rewards for us. He is trusting us with great obstacles that sometimes seem insurmountable. I'm not sure how this is all going to work out, but I trust that God will finish what He started one year ago for us. I thank you for giving voice to my own insanity, and I hope I can offer support to you like you do me. Love, Aly

sara said...

I know the insanity Suzy. It is crazy...always checking the email, blogs, facebook, waiting for the phone to ring. waiting for something to bring us closer to our kids. I am glad I have a friend in you because you might be the only one left when all this is said and done:) You and Aly;) Praying for you this week that you would find the hope you need along with peace to comfort you. And for sweet Joseph, that he would be well and know that he is loved from around the globe.

Melissa said...

Praying for you! I totally understand the insanity... you described my life. I'm glad you have someone to help with Joseph. Isn't it great how God sends just the right people in the right time.

fPoBA said...

I can totally relate and have been there completely- not commiting to anything because you just can't possibly add one more element to your life. It is ALL consuming. I have felt the same way about not having friends when it was all said and done too. But you will discover your true friends and NEW friends! I can't believe all the new friends I've made along the way.

This might not make you feel any better, but you have helped me to see how fortunate I am to have been with my son in Africa these past 4 months, instead of dwelling on missing the rest of my family at home. Even though it's very difficult on this side, I remember the empty and aching feeling I had on the other side. Soon you will be here and though things won't be easy, you will be with your son, and that will make things bearable!

Hang in there and know that there are some of us out there who understand and empathize completely with you.

Michelle said...

That was from Michelle, above!

Anonymous said...

I remember the mornings when we expected to have email from our BM and we didn't. I just tortured my self all day long and cry all day thinking of the worst. And when we get email we are happy but we never relaxed because she could change her mind any moment. And then we had AJ but the BM had 5 days to change her mind it was a living hell. It was supposed to be the happiest time in our life but we couldn't enjoy it fully untill we finaly went home 2 weeks later.
Don't worry about family and friends they will understand or they might not, sometimes experiances like that help us to see better not only in our friendships but life in general.

I hope Joseph is OK and that he will be home very soon!

hugs for you:)