Friday, June 11, 2010

Announcing Our Son Joseph

Well, this is it.  We are going to have 5 children soon.  Nope, I'm not pregant, we are adopting a beautiful boy from Uganda, Africa.   I'm finally ready to share with everyone what we have been working on tirelessy for the last 5 months.  Up to this point we have only shared our intentions of adopting Joseph with family and a few very close friends.  I am usually an open book, willing to share so much about our lives.  I am not a very private person, that is until we embarked on this rollercoaster journey.  There are many reasons I wanted to keep this to ourselves.  I don't know how people will react.  We have had several reactions from the few people we have told varying from very excited to well, let's say less than thrilled.  Some of the reactions are painful.  The stress of what we are dealing with is enough in and of itself and I just didn't think I could deal with anymore hurtful reactions regarding our decision.   Another reason I haven't shared is because my world is constantly falling apart and it's hard to talk about.  People of course mean well, but a casual, "How are things going with the adoption" can kick me in the gut in about 2 seconds flat.  The truth is, about 90% of the time things are not going well. Talking to someone when they "really" want to know is so much easier then when they a want a short answer. I appreciate people asking, don't get me wrong.  But sometimes when things seem to be falling apart, it's hard to talk about.  Another reason I think it's time to be open is because I am not myself and to be honest, I need people to give me a break.  Things that normally seem easy to do or that bring joy are no longer easy.  My days consist of trying to do things almost humanly impossible while sitting on the other side of the world.  There are days I buy a 200 minute phone card to Uganda and use it all in one day.  Every morning I wake up and every evening before bed I spend time on the phone talking to people in Uganda.  Lawyers, doctors, drivers, head masters, teachers, dorm fathers and so on.  Some of the conversations bring me to tears just for the fact that I can't understand about 50% of what is being said because of the language barrier.  I AM NOT MYSELF.  I am sad, I am scared and I'm sorry to those who need me to be more than I can be.  I am fighting for my son day and night and that's just got to be enough for now.  Maybe if I share what we are going through people will understand a little more the stress we are under.  Lastly, and most importantly.  The main reason I haven't wanted to share is because of the fear that this isn't going to work out.  First, I don't think I could live with myself after telling Joseph that he is going to have a family only to realize he's still an orphan sitting alone in Uganda!  Second, if it does fail, I will have less people that know, thus less painful conversations.  But, what I've realized is that by fearing those things I am completely laughing in the face of my Maker.  I am telling him, "I don't want to tell people because I don't trust you enough".  I have had faith through all of this, but if I really believe it, then why not share it?  It will work out, he will come home.  I can no longer live in fear of that.  God will finish what he started.  If I believe that, I wouldn't be afraid to talk about the adoption.  This is hard.  It is the hardest thing I've ever done in my life.   I only ask that those who love us, will love our boy.  He is ours.  God granted us the gift to have him become a part of our family.  He is a blessing to us and we feel honored to have him as a son.  So, there it is.  This is why I've been acting funny, stressed, crazed, forgetful, and many other unpleasant adjectives.  Joseph is ours.  This is no different to us than fighting for Benson, Brinlee, Beau or Blaire and we will continue to fight until we can no longer walk, run or stand.

4 comments:

The Dillon 6 said...

that's quite a secret, Suzie! Congratulations!!! Tell me more about Joseph!

Kerry said...

Good for you, Suzie! I hope you will be pleasantly surprised by how telling your friends will actually ease your burden. I sincerely admire your faith, determination, and compassion. I cannot wait to meet Joseph, and we now that you are including others in your struggle, you can also have that many more people praying for you and your family. Please let me know what I can do to help. If you're having a particularly long or stressful day, call and tell me you want dinner. I can have Aaron make yummy fajitas or I can bring you something. Seriously....the day of is no problem. You'd better let me do something, in addition to praying. Love you!

Kath said...

Thinking of you as you traverse this difficult road. I'm praying for you and for Joseph. God will hold him close until you are able to yourself! Blessings.

Maggie Cady said...

I admire you and am sooooooo excited to meet your new son joseph! The ward will be blessed to get to know him! You guys are the best!