Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Not So Tough

I am really mad at myself right now.  Today has not been good.  I've felt depressed, sad, confused and dark all day.  I thought I was tougher than this.  When we started this many months ago I remember telling myself that this journey was going to be hard and I knew from other families stories that it would try, test and challenge me.  So why then is it getting the best of me?  I am the kind of person that likes to make things happen.  During this journey I have been able to control much of what happens because I push, research, network and do anything humanly possible to push things along.  I feel stuck right now.  Promises have been made and broken and each day keeps turning into the next and there is nothing I can do about it.  I feel so alone and so powerless.  Some days, my faith is strengthened by all of this and I feel my self being stretched spiritually and growing.  But on days like today I feel lifeless.  This is a hard pill for me to swallow.  I have been blessed with a happy disposition and rarely feel depressed but this situation is starting to get the best of me.  That is why I'm so angry at myself.  Didn't I know that this was going to be hard????  Yes! Yes! Yes!  Even thinking of the families that have much worse situations hasn't given me comfort today.  That is usually the best medicine for me.  Thinking about the families who have left their babies in Uganda do to the Visa situation.  I know I will get through this and most days feel very hopeful, but, today just stinks.  I know too that things are only going to get harder.................I know I need to toughen up.  Chances are that if and when we get guardianship we will not be able to get a visa and I will have to leave Joseph in Uganda again.  I need to brace myself for what is ahead, but for today I just can't.  Maybe tomorrow.