Well, my affidavit is somewhere over the Atlantic right now and will arrive in Uganda on Tuesday.  As it stands, the other affidavit's will be re-done on Monday.  At least two of them.  There are two others that need to be re-done and the attorney will have to arrange that.  Joseph's grandma, his caretaker and Joseph will have to go to Kampala at 11:30 on Monday to sign the new affidavit's.  Next week could bring good things.  I am alway cautious in my optimism considering the past disappointments, but I have to admit I feel like things are going to move in the right direction this week!  The sun is out and we went on a bike ride around the lake and that along with the sun has done wonders!

Well, since last night at midnight when I last posted some things have changed.  I can't go into detail, but, I was able to get new affadavits for myself then I signed and notarized them and shipped them off to Uganda.  There were 6 papers and it cost $114 to get them there by Tuesday.  If, (big if) everything else can be fixed by then our attorney "promises" he'll file which would then mean we would get a court date.  Holding my breath but feeling hopeful!

I posted this so I could remind myself  how happy I usually am!  Can't wait to feel that good again when this is all over.  Seems like all the smiles I put out lately aren't real.  I'm a good faker.  The above photo is a real one though and  it makes me happy to remember feeling that way.  And, I just had to post a photo of Joseph's Grandma B.  She is excited to meet you.  Isn't she cute!  Couldn't ask for a better mommy or grandma.  I just realized I sound so much like Eyore.  Funny thing is, on this roller coaster the next day could bring great joy.  I hope I sleep tonight!

It's midnight.  No one would believe me if I told them what today brought. Down, Down, Down, Up.  I did make a phone call, an important one, I waited up and got a person on the line who seems to never answer their phone.  There is a glimmer of hope on the horizon.  I prayed mightily before I made that call and there may be progress.   Now, the waiting starts again.  I never give up though, ever.  Thanks for the kind comments from other PAP.  You guys are really, truly the only ones who can understand any of this.  I pray for you too. 

 More bad news today.  As it stands our application for a court date is ready to file, except for one thing.  This one thing stands in the way of everything.  There may not be anyway around it.  Try as I may a solution doesn't seem possible right now.  Without this "thing" we cannot file and unless a solution is found we won't be bringing Joseph home.  I am going to stay up late tonight and call our attorney.  I've been on the phone with people for 3 hours today.  This week alone I've bought and used $50.00 worth or calling cards and they are almost gone.  The problem I'm having with all of this is that I feel like the human connection is getting lost in all of this.  THIS, is about Joseph but because of all the bureaucracy, money, papers etc. the task of giving this boy a home sometimes feels hopeless.  I'm trying hard not to be sad.  I know that Joseph would be so worried if he knew how bad I'm feeling.  I know he would say, "Mother, have faith and God will provide".  I'm trying to listen to his voice telling me that.  His faith is so big and I'm clinging to that right now.  We aren't giving up in any way, but, we could really use some extra prayers, I just don't know if mine are big enough:)

Once our eyes are opened we cannot pretend we do not know what to do. God, who weighs our hearts and keeps our souls knows we know and holds us responsible to act. Proverbs 24:12

I am really mad at myself right now.  Today has not been good.  I've felt depressed, sad, confused and dark all day.  I thought I was tougher than this.  When we started this many months ago I remember telling myself that this journey was going to be hard and I knew from other families stories that it would try, test and challenge me.  So why then is it getting the best of me?  I am the kind of person that likes to make things happen.  During this journey I have been able to control much of what happens because I push, research, network and do anything humanly possible to push things along.  I feel stuck right now.  Promises have been made and broken and each day keeps turning into the next and there is nothing I can do about it.  I feel so alone and so powerless.  Some days, my faith is strengthened by all of this and I feel my self being stretched spiritually and growing.  But on days like today I feel lifeless.  This is a hard pill for me to swallow.  I have been blessed with a happy disposition and rarely feel depressed but this situation is starting to get the best of me.  That is why I'm so angry at myself.  Didn't I know that this was going to be hard????  Yes! Yes! Yes!  Even thinking of the families that have much worse situations hasn't given me comfort today.  That is usually the best medicine for me.  Thinking about the families who have left their babies in Uganda do to the Visa situation.  I know I will get through this and most days feel very hopeful, but, today just stinks.  I know too that things are only going to get harder.................I know I need to toughen up.  Chances are that if and when we get guardianship we will not be able to get a visa and I will have to leave Joseph in Uganda again.  I need to brace myself for what is ahead, but for today I just can't.  Maybe tomorrow.