Well, this is it.  We are going to have 5 children soon.  Nope, I'm not pregant, we are adopting a beautiful boy from Uganda, Africa.   I'm finally ready to share with everyone what we have been working on tirelessy for the last 5 months.  Up to this point we have only shared our intentions of adopting Joseph with family and a few very close friends.  I am usually an open book, willing to share so much about our lives.  I am not a very private person, that is until we embarked on this rollercoaster journey.  There are many reasons I wanted to keep this to ourselves.  I don't know how people will react.  We have had several reactions from the few people we have told varying from very excited to well, let's say less than thrilled.  Some of the reactions are painful.  The stress of what we are dealing with is enough in and of itself and I just didn't think I could deal with anymore hurtful reactions regarding our decision.   Another reason I haven't shared is because my world is constantly falling apart and it's hard to talk about.  People of course mean well, but a casual, "How are things going with the adoption" can kick me in the gut in about 2 seconds flat.  The truth is, about 90% of the time things are not going well. Talking to someone when they "really" want to know is so much easier then when they a want a short answer. I appreciate people asking, don't get me wrong.  But sometimes when things seem to be falling apart, it's hard to talk about.  Another reason I think it's time to be open is because I am not myself and to be honest, I need people to give me a break.  Things that normally seem easy to do or that bring joy are no longer easy.  My days consist of trying to do things almost humanly impossible while sitting on the other side of the world.  There are days I buy a 200 minute phone card to Uganda and use it all in one day.  Every morning I wake up and every evening before bed I spend time on the phone talking to people in Uganda.  Lawyers, doctors, drivers, head masters, teachers, dorm fathers and so on.  Some of the conversations bring me to tears just for the fact that I can't understand about 50% of what is being said because of the language barrier.  I AM NOT MYSELF.  I am sad, I am scared and I'm sorry to those who need me to be more than I can be.  I am fighting for my son day and night and that's just got to be enough for now.  Maybe if I share what we are going through people will understand a little more the stress we are under.  Lastly, and most importantly.  The main reason I haven't wanted to share is because of the fear that this isn't going to work out.  First, I don't think I could live with myself after telling Joseph that he is going to have a family only to realize he's still an orphan sitting alone in Uganda!  Second, if it does fail, I will have less people that know, thus less painful conversations.  But, what I've realized is that by fearing those things I am completely laughing in the face of my Maker.  I am telling him, "I don't want to tell people because I don't trust you enough".  I have had faith through all of this, but if I really believe it, then why not share it?  It will work out, he will come home.  I can no longer live in fear of that.  God will finish what he started.  If I believe that, I wouldn't be afraid to talk about the adoption.  This is hard.  It is the hardest thing I've ever done in my life.   I only ask that those who love us, will love our boy.  He is ours.  God granted us the gift to have him become a part of our family.  He is a blessing to us and we feel honored to have him as a son.  So, there it is.  This is why I've been acting funny, stressed, crazed, forgetful, and many other unpleasant adjectives.  Joseph is ours.  This is no different to us than fighting for Benson, Brinlee, Beau or Blaire and we will continue to fight until we can no longer walk, run or stand.

Unless you are going through this, or have gone through this it is almost impossible for one to fully understand exactly how this turns your life completely upsidedown.  Things that used to be normal are no longer normal.  The idea of chilling out at night and catching up on a good TV show gone.  My day starts out early in the AM checking e-mail, blogs, facebook and anything else that could contain a message, or a bit of news that may help our case.  I have made countless friends who are in Uganda or just got back from Uganda that are able to feed bits of info. to me on a daily basis.  My night usually ends the same way...........Uganda is just waking up and I'm able to chat online with others who are there and can give me new info about visas, judges, our attorney etc.  The problem is, we are stuck.  There is nothing we can do.  Regardless, I continue this day in and day out struggle of trying to connect to people a world away in the hopes that they may be able to get us closer to bringing Joseph home.  One such friend is someone I've never met, but she too is adopting.  She has been stuck in Uganda for months.  I put it out to her that Joseph really needed to go to the Doctor.  Now, in America that is quite easy, but remember, this is Africa.  Sarah, my friend doesn't have a car and needed to arrange a driver. Then, I need to stay up late at night to make the phone call to the Doctor to set up the appt.  Then call Sarah, ask if that's going to work, then she calls the driver to verify.  So, the appts set up.  Then I need to call the headmaster at Joseph's school to get a pass.  Then I have to wire money to Sarah to pay for everything and hope that I send enough.  Well, that's over, but now there is need for follow up tests.  So, tonight I'm spending my down time trying to call the doctor on the other side of the world and see if he will talk to me about the results of last weeks tests.  He will probably not speak to me, but hoping he will.  Then, I'll make another appt. for Joseph to come back for more blood work and all the other phone calls start over until at last I feel confident that Joseph will actually make it to the appt.  We were able to talk to him today and he wasn't feeling well. 

So, what am I trying to say?? I have no idea.  I think I'm slowly losing my mind............I'm jumpy all the time, always in a hurry and completely feeling imbalanced and out of sync.  I don't sleep unless my best friend Ambien comes to bed with me...................What has all of this taught me?? Well I know that I'm on a roller coaster that I have no control over and that the only way I'm going to survive this is if I allow HIM to take the wheel.  I have been brought to my knees so many times during this journey.  I've cried so many tears while standing in the shower hoping no one will hear me.  I've said dumb things, offended people (I'm sure) because I'm acting flaky and non-committal.  I guess my hope is that I still have a few friends left when this is all through.  I'm used to taking care of people and being more interested in their well-being than mine.  Right now I've really started to hibernate in my own world and tried to just stay close with my family.  I am totally and completely rambling......................this experience has changed me.  I feel like I'm being molded and shaped.  I just hope this journey makes me stronger than I've ever been before:) Sorry for the ranting and raving.......................

I left this post untitled because I don't know what to title it.  Some of the options I played around with were, "Soggy in Seattle", "No News is Not Good News", "Down in the Dumps".  But, since I didn't think any of those would get my readers attention I left the title blank.  That's not so say that all of the titles would not suffice to describe my feelings today.  Maybe it has something to do with the constant rain that's been leaking from the sky for the past month, maybe it's the daily and nightly phone calls to Uganda hoping to get answers but rarely having anyone pick up the line.  I think today I'm letting go of the hope I had to get Joseph home by this summer.  There are so many reasons that I wanted this to happen and it's hard to let those dreams go.  I'm also deeply affected today by a yet another friends baby having their first birthday in an orphanage.  I think about Joseph who until we got his records did not even know how old he was or when his birthday was.  When he comes home I want to throw a party to make up for all of those lost birthdays.  I know that our situation is by far not the worst as far as difficulty goes, but today I just need to feel the sadness, let it soak in and then tomorrow I will be stronger.  Happy Birthday to all the babies and children out there who don't even know it's their birthday today. 

I'm so grateful for a friend who arranged to have someone bring a package with her to Uganda for Joseph.  My mom was so nice and made a scrapbook of all the Benson relatives so that Joseph could get to know all of the Benson side of the family.  I think there are about 32 of us so he has a lot to learn.  He will have 13 more on Shawn's side!  That's a lot of people.  I'm also tucking in some vitamins................I am a mom!  Benson sent a couple of books............Notice anything interesting about our family picture???? Thanks to my dad for his photo shop skills!

-Visa's are being issued!
-Beau got antibiotics for his strep throat! So grateful we have access to medicine
-We don't have a LG order with the wrong words
-We have amazing kids who have a heart for the poor and needy
-My kids are all healthy
-Shawn has a great job
-I'm alive!

I'd love to hear from anyone who is following the blog.  Drop us a comment and send a hug.  I see lots of visits but don't know who is out there. 

Today has been a little hard.   Shawn talked to the lawyer and he said he tried to meet with our judge and she sent her clerk to tell him to go away.  I don't know what that means.  My hopes of getting Joseph home before courts close seems to be fading.  Today I gathered so much strength by thinking about the women beaders in the IDP camps that our foundation helps support.  I thought about their struggles, HIV, poverty, lack of water, education, food, being widowed, war, loss of children.  What on earth do I have to be sad about?  Yes, there is a hole in my heart and I know it's normal to be sad when things get difficult in this adoption, but really if I take my mind back to the beautiful, resilent women I met when we traveled in January I can't feel sad for long.  They give me so much courage.  Today I honor each and every one of them and I pledge to continue helping them through the work I do with our foundation.  I can't wait to see them again!