Well, since last night at midnight when I last posted some things have changed.  I can't go into detail, but, I was able to get new affadavits for myself then I signed and notarized them and shipped them off to Uganda.  There were 6 papers and it cost $114 to get them there by Tuesday.  If, (big if) everything else can be fixed by then our attorney "promises" he'll file which would then mean we would get a court date.  Holding my breath but feeling hopeful!

I posted this so I could remind myself  how happy I usually am!  Can't wait to feel that good again when this is all over.  Seems like all the smiles I put out lately aren't real.  I'm a good faker.  The above photo is a real one though and  it makes me happy to remember feeling that way.  And, I just had to post a photo of Joseph's Grandma B.  She is excited to meet you.  Isn't she cute!  Couldn't ask for a better mommy or grandma.  I just realized I sound so much like Eyore.  Funny thing is, on this roller coaster the next day could bring great joy.  I hope I sleep tonight!

It's midnight.  No one would believe me if I told them what today brought. Down, Down, Down, Up.  I did make a phone call, an important one, I waited up and got a person on the line who seems to never answer their phone.  There is a glimmer of hope on the horizon.  I prayed mightily before I made that call and there may be progress.   Now, the waiting starts again.  I never give up though, ever.  Thanks for the kind comments from other PAP.  You guys are really, truly the only ones who can understand any of this.  I pray for you too. 

 More bad news today.  As it stands our application for a court date is ready to file, except for one thing.  This one thing stands in the way of everything.  There may not be anyway around it.  Try as I may a solution doesn't seem possible right now.  Without this "thing" we cannot file and unless a solution is found we won't be bringing Joseph home.  I am going to stay up late tonight and call our attorney.  I've been on the phone with people for 3 hours today.  This week alone I've bought and used $50.00 worth or calling cards and they are almost gone.  The problem I'm having with all of this is that I feel like the human connection is getting lost in all of this.  THIS, is about Joseph but because of all the bureaucracy, money, papers etc. the task of giving this boy a home sometimes feels hopeless.  I'm trying hard not to be sad.  I know that Joseph would be so worried if he knew how bad I'm feeling.  I know he would say, "Mother, have faith and God will provide".  I'm trying to listen to his voice telling me that.  His faith is so big and I'm clinging to that right now.  We aren't giving up in any way, but, we could really use some extra prayers, I just don't know if mine are big enough:)

Once our eyes are opened we cannot pretend we do not know what to do. God, who weighs our hearts and keeps our souls knows we know and holds us responsible to act. Proverbs 24:12

I am really mad at myself right now.  Today has not been good.  I've felt depressed, sad, confused and dark all day.  I thought I was tougher than this.  When we started this many months ago I remember telling myself that this journey was going to be hard and I knew from other families stories that it would try, test and challenge me.  So why then is it getting the best of me?  I am the kind of person that likes to make things happen.  During this journey I have been able to control much of what happens because I push, research, network and do anything humanly possible to push things along.  I feel stuck right now.  Promises have been made and broken and each day keeps turning into the next and there is nothing I can do about it.  I feel so alone and so powerless.  Some days, my faith is strengthened by all of this and I feel my self being stretched spiritually and growing.  But on days like today I feel lifeless.  This is a hard pill for me to swallow.  I have been blessed with a happy disposition and rarely feel depressed but this situation is starting to get the best of me.  That is why I'm so angry at myself.  Didn't I know that this was going to be hard????  Yes! Yes! Yes!  Even thinking of the families that have much worse situations hasn't given me comfort today.  That is usually the best medicine for me.  Thinking about the families who have left their babies in Uganda do to the Visa situation.  I know I will get through this and most days feel very hopeful, but, today just stinks.  I know too that things are only going to get harder.................I know I need to toughen up.  Chances are that if and when we get guardianship we will not be able to get a visa and I will have to leave Joseph in Uganda again.  I need to brace myself for what is ahead, but for today I just can't.  Maybe tomorrow.

This rollercoaster is really taking us for a ride!  I feel like just when we think there is progress, another roadblock pops up.  After going to court and getting guardianship, one must go to the embassy and file an I600.  A few months ago we started the process of embassy paperwork and put Shawn on an important document stating that he is the Petitioner and I am the Petitioner's spouse.  I had been told by others that when it comes time for the embassy appt. either the Petitioner, or the Petitioner's spouse could go to file the I600.  I was wrong.  Since Shawn is the petitioner, he must go.  This changes things.   We had planned on him going to court, and if things were dragging on I would switch him and go to the Embassy appt.  We can't do that now.  It's a done deal.  He has to do it all.  This is crazy scary as he can't miss that much work!  We are self employed and I'm wondering how we can make it work.  The only real option is that he may have to fly back and forth to Uganda several times....................can you imagine???  We don't really have a choice, so I'm "sucking it up" and trusting in the Lord.  There is no way I would get through this without Him.  He started this process when he planted a seed in our hearts and I believe he will finish it!! 

There has been another roadblock as far as visa's are concerned.  Praying that things will be worked out by the time we go, otherwise there will be an even longer delay in getting our boy home.  Our attorney has been promising for a month that our application will be submitted, still waiting.  When it is I will probably run around my neighborhood singing at the top of my lungs!  O.k. maybe not.  Filing the application is just one step in this uphill battle.  I've reached the point several times in the last week where I feel like I just can't do this anymore.  The up, down, play by play in this journey takes a toll, but then I alway get up and fight even harder!  I won't give up.  I feel so blessed to have a man by my side who listens to his heart.  We are on this journey because of him.  I never asked him to adopt, it was his idea..........................so thankful that he is a caring, feeling man.  Sometimes I laugh when people post mushy things about their spouse.  I think, "Why post? Why not tell him to his face?"  I think I'll do that, take my own advice that is!